Seeing as I’ve been watching the VMA’s ever since we got a satelite-dish back when I was in 4th grade, it’s been somewhat of a tradition to stay up late Sunday, skip school Monday and check out the live broadcast, which back in the day included cursewords and all that good stuff. Usually there’d be great hosts such as Eddie Murphy and Arsenio Hall who kept the show flowing. In later years Chris Rock and Jimmy Fallon have added some great comedic introductions to the show. So once again I’m staying up late, to see who’s hosting and it’s
…Diddy???
Diddy does have alotta personality I guess, but he’s not funny and he seems to be constantly self-conscious. His hosting of the MTV Europe Awards were only rivaled in suckyness by Wyclef – the only man capable of being bald and having dreadlocks at the same time.
Anyways I knew I was in for a stinker, so I decided I’d take out the laptop to document the action for my long time loyal fans of the Hip-Hop, The Simpsons and Wrestling blog…so after watching The Last Samurai and whatever else crud I could come up with 02:00 rolls around and here comes – da-dadada: The VMA’s!
Here are some recaps of the actions written in real time. (as opposed to fake time?)
02:00 – Green Day set it off outside the VMA’s in Florida. The wind is blowing like a motherblogger, good thing they ain’t have the awards in New Orleans. My fave Green Day VMA moment was when they had to run off the stage ’cause Beastie Boys came in early and turned it out with Sabotage. Yeah!
02:10 – Diddy enters to recite some cornyness. Actually it’s a good introduction. He stole it from Run-DMC’s Live At The Fun House. RIP JMJ!02:15 – Kanye gets the award for Best Male video. Mr. Cocky manages to diss Jay-Z. Smart move KaYne! When they cut to commercials Danish MTV decides to show parts of music videos. I guess even Yamba’s stupidass Axel F frog didn’t think anyone’d stay up to watch commercials this late. Joke’s on them jack, I got enough diet coke to last all night!
02:15 – gets the award for Best Male video. Mr. Cocky manages to diss . When they cut to commercials Danish MTV decides to show parts of music videos. I guess even Yamba’s stupidass Axel F frog didn’t think anyone’d stay up to watch commercials this late. Joke’s on them jack, I got enough diet coke to last all night!02:20 – Ludacris performs Pimping All Over The World. I guess it’s the sequal to Hoe’ing around the neighborhood.
02:30 – Diddy just announced it’s a classy show so he wont curse. Sissy. Then he curses some but’s it’s been bleeped out (you can tell it’s just ’fuck’ and ’shit’ and other nonoffensive cursing though). Stupid five second delay – I bet they’ll scramble the nudity as well. Afterwards he announces that he’s sellected the three best dressed men – how gay is that. To noone’s surprise they’re all black. I woulda gone with Willie Nelson – cowboy hat and braided pig-tails, you the man Willie!
02:39 – Grandmaster Flash has apparently been hired as DJ for the affair. I bet he’ll be hired as Diddy’s caddy sometime soon. Flash makes Diddy dance to Atomic Dog.
02:42 – Uncle Luke – aka Luther Campbell aka Captain Dick of 2 Live Crew – comes out real quick. Since all his songs contain the same amount of profanity as the average South Park episode he’s limited to just chanting ’Go diddy!’…Now MC Hammer’s out here. He does a fucked up version of Can’t Touch This. No big-ass pants though. Nuts. Noone enjoys it other than Jamie Foxx – maybe he really did go blind while filming Ray. People yell about hammer time, how ’bout goddamn quitting time!
02:46 – Alicia Keys predictably wins best R&B video. She’s wearing a dress displaying her lack of fun-bags.
02:49 – Shaq comes out, to the delight of the Miami fans. He’s wearing a bigger suit than TrooLS & Orgi-E. They shoulda had him doing free-throws. You got 99 freethrows and didn’t make one, holla!
02:54 – Shakira does her hit Tortura – ay ay ay, hija de puta, no me gusta.
03:00 – Leroy from Fame…sorry I mean Usher introduces Clowning Vs. Krumping – a crunk version of clowns breakdancing. To me it looks like a slightly more acrobatic version of Insane Clown Posse.
03:05 – Missy Elliot wins best dance for Lose Control. She almost looks skinnier than her current girlfriend Ciara. Remember when Marilyn Manson had his ass out at VMA’s a couple years back and Missy looked at him like he was the devil himself? 668 the neighbor of the beast!
03:08 – R Kelly performs trapped in the closet. Uh huh, water closet, Mr. Pisserino. He doesn’t even have a mic – at least the other’s pretend they’re not singing playback. Its been ages since we saw Diddy, maybe him and Hammer are trapped in a closet.
03:20 – Diddy tells us the story of his names. He jokes about changing it to Sean-ye West and Condeleeza Diddy and other nonfunnyness. I hope he changes it to P-Ditte real soon.
03:26 – Lil Kim presents an award. Her co-presenter jokes about her jail-time coming up. Nowhere near as funny as when Diana Ross jiggled her titty. Kim claims ”She’s suffered enough.” No applause.
03:29 – Ludacris wins best rap video for Number One Spot. Wackass song by a dopeass rapper, so I’m cool. I love gooold.
03:37 – Diddy is making shoutouts to people in the house. Which means all the black celebrities. He’s wearing a Notorious BIG shirt and bigs up big’s mother. Guess he’ll never rest in peace.
Now Ditte is acting like he’s conducting a symphony orchestra while Big’s ”Juicy/Dreams”-verse is playing. Ironically I don’t think Big ever performed at VMA’s. If you don’t know now you know.
Snoop is on stage doing an incredible verse on Warning. Diddy’s still acting like he’s conducting but in reality he’s just wandering around looking dumber than Jim Carey and his co-star. Jøden woulda done a better job.
03:43 – Johnny Knoxville and Common present an award and Knoxville gets Common to freestyle. Com Sense is a great freestyler but he seems kinda slow tonight. The finish ”when my video drops I soon plan / next year I’ll be walking with a moon-man”. Probably premeditated but fun nonetheless. He also made a reference to 50 Cent, who looked hella mad at being mentioned.
03:46 – A group named Fall Out Boy won an award. I wonder if they’re named after Radiative Man from the Simpsons’ sidekick Fall Out Boy, who Millhouse gets to portray in the movie version.
Argh the goggles – they do nooothing!
03:52 – Fat Joe introduces Reggae-ton music. He brings together three reggae-tonelos who have never performed together. Reggae-tonelo is a funny-ass word! One of the reggae-tonelos (let’s see how many times I get to write that) looks like a mix between Sammy Davis Junior and Humpty Hump. Daddy Yankee does Gasolina and has all of Miami screaming ”culo”. As all reggaetonelos would know it means “ass” in Taco Bellish.
3:56 – Best Hip-Hop Award is presented. MTV thinks hip-hop is rap fused with new or alternative genres. That’s kinda lame but the nominees (Common, Nas etc) are better than for the Rap Video Award. Missy wins.
3:57 – Fat Joe thanks G-Unit for all the police protection at the award show. (They’re beefing if you didn’t know) Chances of MTV asking the fat man back to present – slim.
3:58 – Diddy says something nonsensial. Meanwhile someone in the audience screams Fuck you fat motherfucker at Fat Joe. Knew it was a good idea to stay up late.
04:00 – Pharell introduces Cold Play. Pharell is wearing a plastic chain with kids pictured on it. Rumour has it R Kelly tried to piss on the chain. I’m hoping they’ll bring back the weird-looking reggaetonelo.
04:09 – Ricky Martin and Joss Stone present an award. Ricky asked Miami if they could feel The Heat. I hear this is concidered a display of great wit in washed up latino lover circles.
04:14 – Kanye West and Jamie Fox perform Gold Digger, the weakest track leaked from Late Registration so far. Remember EPMD’s version? Word. Lots of people are throwing the Roc handsign in the air. Kanye’s rapping pretty good, and he’s wearing the same sun-glasses Jay-Z wore last year – perhaps as a sign of apology for bitching ’bout Jay not paying for his three videos for one song.
04:17 – Kanye just said the ”leave your ass for a white girl”-line that was banned from Canadian radio. He coulda just said culo and puta blanca – that’s the reggaetonelo way of doing it! Money’s flying from the sky – I’m sure that’ll teach the girls to stop digging.
04:24 – Snoop Dogg introduces a comedian called Dave Cook. Apparently they dragged him out ’cause Diddy refuses to tell jokes to whitey. Fight the power!
04:29 – Diddy introduces real-life pimp Bishop Magic Juan. The normally weird-ass dressed pimp has had a Diddy make-over. Noone finds it funny, most likely ’cause noone knows who the don Bishop is.
04:32 – The young husband-cheating Desperate House Wife introduces Mariah Carey wearing a diminutive bathing suit. I bet the conversation between the two afterwards will go:
Mariah Carey: ”BITCH! Outstage me will you? I’m the only diva allowed to wear skimpy outfits!”
Desperate House Wife: ”Whatever Glitter, the coo-coo’s nest called, they wanted to know when you’ll fly back”
Styles and Jadakiss are rocking on the Mariah remix. This is fairly ironic since all Mariah’s dancers are dressed like 50 Cent in the Little Bit video. Dramaqueen or not, Mariah’s singing her ass off on an otherwise boring song.
04:45 – Lil Jon is presenting with some hot girl. He tries to hug her, but she quickly shoves his hand away. WHAT? YEAH! OKAAAAI!
04:48 – Will.I.Am and Fergie are on stage, Will tells a joke, and Fergie thinks it’s so funny she almost wets herself…not really.
04:50 – 50 Cent comes out to Disco Inferno. He’s either wearing really shiny black jeans or leather pants – how very Tyrol of him. Mobb Deep are out on stage, mad anonymous. Tony Yayo runs out, cursing his ass off, so we can’t hear anything he’s saying. Free Yayo. 50 and Yayo end their performance by saying Fuck Terror Squad and various threats totally bleeped out. Rappers should really think about not cursing when they want to diss their rivals on world-wide TV, so everyone can enjoy it.
05:02 – Lil Bow Wow and Paris Hilton are comparing diamonds. Lets hope they’re not from Sierra Leone.
05:04 – Green Day win the viewers choice award for American Idiot – the only song with a credible message this year. I guess the viewers aren’t necessarily into the Hammertime 2005 vibe P-ditte’s oozing.
05:11 – Jamie Fox starts his presentation of the presenters of video of the year by screaming ”Hi everybody”. The audience yells ”Hi doctor Nick!” in return (The first part happened). The presenters Destiny’s Child thank god, for giving them the jams to rock hard, before Green Day also take home best video for Boulevard of broken dreams. Green Day manage to be the only band adressing issues like the war in Iraq, live aid and so forth.
05:17 – Diddy’s wearing a ”God is the greatest” t-shirt now. Apparently his thank you speech is delivered by shirts this year. He introduces Kelly Clarkson who despite being a slightly more tolerable version of Avril Lavigne manages to rock pretty hard.
05:22 – Diddy finally says good bye, ending a show that was at least half an hour too long and didn’t have any kind of spectacular end-performance.
That’s the 2005 MTV Awards. The night was dominated by rap and r&b and regular music like Audio Slave and Foo Fighters seem totally left out. I’m as big a hiphop fan as anyone, but if I wanted to see rappers dissing rappers I’d order Source awards. They’d even shoved Green Day outside, what a jib. I’ll give credit to the reggae-tonelos and Mariah Carey, but other than that I think the VMA’s this year showed us how the entertainment industry has used bling bling rap as an excuse to present music without message.
Diddy was of course not only embarrasing on the mic, but also presented a show largely without humour, instead having presenters present other presenters in a never ending stream of babble. The elaborate stage-shows from previous years was replaced by a small revolving stage like the one from Les Miserables. Speaking of which all the performances aside from a few good verses by K West and Snoop were large miserable and forgettable.
Remember when Nirvana performed and Kris Novoselic hit himself in the head with his bass-guitar? Yeah. This show was nothing like that.
