In the spirit of tonight’s Royal Rumble I decided the hip-hop, the simpsons and wrestling blog would play host to its very own showdown. Regular readers may recall I’ve already covered the similarities shared by Springfield’s Mr. Burns and Howard Hughes of The Aviator fame. However, it has come to my attention that Mr. Burns has much more in common with another business-man much closer to home, none other than our very own Mærsk Mc-Kinney Møller!
At first encounter, the former head of the Mærsk and AP Møller empire may seem as your average, although slightly upperclass, grampa. But make no mistake, when it comes to big business Mærsk Mc-Kinney Møller can get down and dirty with the worst of them. But to make sure there aren’t any questions as to who has the upper hand, I decided to let Mr. Burns and Hr. Møller duke it out in an eight round fight for the title evil corporation owner supremacy, let’s go!
Round one: Name and Age
Mr. Burns:
Full name: Charles Montgomery Burns
Age: 104
Hr. Møller:
Full name: Arnold Mærsk Mc-Kinney Møller
Age: 92
Winner – Mr. Burns
Not only does his name ring more evil, he’s also beat Møller by nearly a decade of evil corporation owner doings.
Round two: Catchphrases
Mr. Burns:
“Excellent!”
“Release the hounds!”
Hr. Møller:
“Rettidig omhu” (Accurate display of timely precision)
“Hvor har vi det godt, og hvor har vi fortjent det!” (How blessed we are, and how we deserve it)
Winner – Mr. Burns
Once again our Springfield slugger is simply better at the bat than his Danish adversary. While Hr. Møller is able to combat “Excellent” with two just as self-absorbed catchpheases of his own, there’s nothing that says evil corporation owner as “Release the hounds!” does.
Round three: German affiliation
Mr. Burns:
Speaks fluent German and sold the Springfield Nuclear Powerplant to the Germans.
Hr. Møller:
The A.P. Møller company was one third owner of The Riffle Syndicate that sold arms to the Germans during World War II.
Winner – Hr. Møller
Finally the stretchy Scandinavian rolls into action. There’s simply no better way to make your company seem evil than supporting the losing team in a war, way to go!
Round four: Heir to the throne.
Mr. Burns:
Has illegitimate son Larry (voiced by Rodney Dangerfield), but doesn’t seem to want him as a successor. Once tried for Bart Simpson as would-be heir but again failed. Spends most of his time with a closet homosexual.
Hr. Møller:
Has three daughters, none of whom seemed interested in following in dad’s footsteps. Left Mærsk to be run by Smedegård Andersen, proving this might be the end of the family dynasty.
Winner – Tie
Clearly neither of our evil corporation owners have managed to provide an heir – they must not have been up on their duties, and at age 90+ it seems a little late.
Round five: Harassment of local community
Mr. Burns:
Once blocked out sunlight in Springfield in an attempt to cash in on rising electricity use.
Hr. Møller:
Tried to block website gangster-maersk on copyright infringement charges. Lost the case.
Winner – Mr. Burns
While both men surely do their share of underhanded business, Mr. Burns is just much more public with his intentions to harass.
Round six: Mythological connection
Mr. Burns:
May or may not be a vampire
Hr. Møller:
May or may not be a vampire
Winner – Tie
Round seven: Architectural landmarks
Mr. Burns:
Built The Monty Burns Casino, using his own money.
Hr. Møller:
Built the new Danish national opera, using his own money. Then wrote it off on his company’s taxes, overruled the renowned architect, and turned said opera building into the world’s largest toaster-oven.
Winner – Hr. Møller
Definately way more evil business corporation owner-like to use his love of grandscaled building as a tax-cut.
Round eight: Political ties
Mr. Burns:
Had Jimmy Carter and George Bush Sr. at his 90’s birthday. Is head of Springfield’s local Republican party.
Hr. Møller:
Sends threatening handwritten letters to the Danish prime minister whenever something rubs him the wrong way.
Winner – Hr. Møller
Another victory for the old Dane. Clearly it’s much more evil to not even be politically active and still have the entire political system dancing to the tune of your pied pipe.
So there we have it, Mr. Burns won on age, catchphrase and local harassment, while Hr. Møller won German affiliation, local harassment and architectural landmark. Heir to the throne and vampire rumours both ended in ties, bringing us to a grand total of 3-3 in the battle between Hr. Møller and Mr. Burns for evil corporation owner supremacy. Maybe we should have a rematch later on when either of the gentlemen displays his evilness yet again.
Until then, release the hounds!
*UPDATE*
Just when I thought it was all over, the tie can apparently be broken already:
Round nine – personal assistent
Mr. Burns:
Perfectionist closet homosexual, who follows his employer’s every wink.
Hr. Møller:
Perfectionist closet homosexual AND crossdresser, who follows his employer’s every wink.
Winner – Hr. Møller!!
Yes it took a final round for him to beat Springfield’s oldest son, but he did it. Hr. Møller is officially evil corporation owner supreme!
