You signed me up for blogging? I’m a grown man! Which means while MTV’s VMA’s hit the screen at 2 AM last night, I was sleeping peacefully in bed. So this is a rerun-recap – not much fun in that, I already know Tommy Lee and Kid Rock are gonna fight, Britney Spears is gonna suck, and Kanye is gonna bitch about something. Well, the last thing hasn’t been spoiled yet, but it should be safe to say. Let’s see what else I already know beforehand. Amy Winehouse cancelled due to fighting personal demons. Lily Allen cancelled due to fighting a photographer. Meaning we won’t see any Britolicious girls pretending to be American soul-singers unless Joss Stone is in the building.

20:05: Show starts off with a warning that flash photography may cause nausea – bet that’s not all that’s gonna cause nausea. This is the pre-show, which means I’ll be blogging about the same people twice – so expect alotta repeats in joke-department.

Hosts include Sway from the Wake Up Show. I remember I bought the Wake Up freestyles on wax in ’96…back when hip-hop was where it should be – kept low on the VMA’s. So far I’ve already seen Common and TI aka Montell Williams and Skinny Man, and now the British host Tim Cash took over – boy he looks like an Indian version of Søren Strøm. Must be the eyebrows.

20:10: Rihanna is talking to Sway – she’s from Barbados but has no type of Patois in her voice anymore. Guess she won’t be putting anything Pon De Replay never more, sin!

20:12: They’re playing thursdays rehearsals – Britney Spears is doing walk like an Egyptian – maybe her performance won’t suck afterall.

20:13: Someone named Lil Mama said she dressed as ‘the birth of hiphop’. Funny, I didn’t see her dressed as poverty, racial segregation, youthful struggle and social injustice.

20:16: Nelly Furtado dyed her hair yellow. Possibly in support of the new Simpsons movie. D’oh Nelly!

20:18: Did I mention the Awards are taking place in Las Vegas? At a casino? Just like Wrestlemania IX – you know, the suckiest Wrestlemania of all time! Well at least there’s no old ass Hulk Hogan here to ruin this show…or is there?

20:25: Mary J Blige is here. She’s skinny as hell but still has 24 inch biceps. Bet she could kick our ass. Heard she passed on Umbrella in the song-pools – nice on Mary. Mary is hyping the Kanye-50 feud. Saying: “This is about real hip-hop, who can rap the best, who sells the most records, not fighting and shooting each other”. Who the hell thought Mary J Blige’d be the smartest person in the house?

20:27: Common is talking to Sway. Not about rap but about movies, who the fluck cares about Common in movies?!

20:29: Boys Like Girls are in the house. They all kinda resemble Mads Fantomet. Must be the tight pants. And the hair. I liked that Blur song…you know…the one about boys…who like girls… bleh.

20:30: Fiddy Ferrari in the house, ya heard?! Too bad his album leaked so we know he’s gonna flop all ready. He’s hyping Britney. And two days ago he was making out with Paris Hilton. He’s like a reversed Eminem, isn’t he?

20:32: Nicole from the Pussycathoes and Lil Wayne are performing. They better have Nas and Jiggaman on the actual show, otherwise the best MC was on the warm-up. Lil Wayne doesn’t have any grills in his mouth. Looks kinda weird, good verse: “I can’t pronounce your last name…so it should be mine”. When the doll wrapped herself around Wayne he looked all shy – musta been ‘cause it wasn’t Baby kissing on him.

20:37: Jennifer Hudson is way taller than Ludacris.

20:39: Ye is wearing a bow-tie. Apparently it’s a tux, I’m being told from my fashion-hip girlfriend correcting me from the other side of the couch. Must be something for the ladies, Kanyeezy, but didn’t you say the grown-ass-man fashion was played out?

20:42: In between all the shots they’re showing pics of Paris Hilton with a new hair-do. Noone’s talking to her though. Smart move.

20:48: Dang, now they are talking to Paris. Sway told Paris to ‘enjoy her freedom’ at the end of the interview. Funny stuff I guess. Countdown to the actual show has begun.

20:51: Panic at the disco are interviewed. I know I asked for something other than rap and r’n’b, but good lord, not this crud.

20:52: Quick interview with Pharrell. He was pretty boring. Now the Foo Fighters are on – ROCK! Cee-Lo is standing to their left, apparently they’re collaborating later tonight – good idea. Dave Grohl was introduced as ‘the musical director’ of a rock’n’roll tribute, to which he replies: “I’m a high school drop out too, how ‘bout that.” What a grungy thing to say.

21:01: Show has officially begun!!! Britney’s performing in her underwear. She’s looking pretty good considering that she’s looney tunes. Everything is adlibbed, except the part where she touched some guy’s package. There’s twenty dancers on stage to disguise the fact Britney hasn’t moved out of the spot in the past three minutes. Crowd shot of 50 Cent looking baffled – not that that’s anything new, but I feel where he’s coming from – that really was a stinker, and what happened to the walk like an Egyptian dance?!

21:05: Sarah Silverman is hosting, she’s always funny as fuck. She’s using alotta blue language, which is censored in the re-run. Knew I shoulda stayed up last night, would have probably een less commercials too. Silverman remarked that it’s ‘so cute’ 50’s still alive. 50 thought it was hilarious.

21:15: Mark Ronson is the dj, Alicia Keys is the vj – she called Jennifer Hudson ‘Jennifer Hunson’…any relation to Atilla? Apparently different artists are hosting different parties, so not everything is on the mainstage, so we never know what were gonna see. Or in other words, this is going to be worse than Wrestlemania 2.

21:18: Apparently it’s not called single of the year, but ‘Monster single of the year’, kinda ironic considering the decline in music sales. Thriller – monster single. Umbrella – almost recouped single.

21:20: Kanye’s party kinda looks like the 1985 party in New Jack City, that Flavor Flav hosted…which means Ye’s future might not be as bright as he thinks. Everyone is wearing those crazy Macho Man sunglasses too…

21:22: Now there’s a quadruple threat award. Apparently that’s singing, dancing, acting and “using your powers to change the world”. Timberlake won – I guess his humanitarian gesture was ‘bringing sexy back’, either that or they actually think his human beat boxing is a ‘threat’.

21:24: Fall Out Boy is playing One Night Stand. Pretty cool, but what the fuck is up with not playing the introductions to the songs. If I wanted to flick thru channels I could have picked up the remote.

21:26: Foo Fighters are fighting foo. About ten guitarists on stage – that always appeals to my inner Beavis and/or Butt-head. Mmmhehemmm…cool.

21:28: 50 and Kanye are doing a pose-down. Ye is really short. Akon apparently did alotta earth shattering collaborations, but Beautiful Liar won. Ye said the whole thing without letting 50 get a word in – he’s pretty swift that way. Beyonce didn’t hug 50 when she came on stage – repping for the Roc! Young b! My girlfriend remarked Beyonce looks pregnant – girls usually know these things – it’s the pregnancy-glow. Either that or the flu.

21:37: TI is rapping at Timbaland’s party, he’s probably the only rapper skinnier than Snoop and still shrinking. Chris Brown is performing now, it’s a carnival inspired set, and he’s doing a Charlie Chaplin impersonation. It’s a little like the Paul Mccartney/Mike Jackson Say Say Say colabo. Pretty good so far though, but I just realised he’s not even mic’ed-up – that’s kinda weird. Girlfriend says he is mic’ed up, but I’m still pretty sure he’s not singing. Now Rihanna bumrushed the show, but Chris Brown knew it’d happen cause he brought an ‘umbrella’. Man, I’m clever for seeing shit like that. Ashanti sang along – hey Ashanti hasn’t it been a while since you had a hit? Chris is dancing to Laffy Taffy and Smooth criminal – good enough dancing but man I miss Nirvana.

21:45: The girlfriend says striped polos are a hit this year. I never woulda known without her. Three unknown girls gave Timberlake another award, Timbaland took it though, he’s such a bully. Timberlake bigs up Chris Brown – that’s actually pretty decent of him. Now he says it’s good to see new artists that are ‘doing it, and doing it well’ – wonder if he has to give LL Cool J credit for the line.

21:49: Foo Fighters are fighting foo. Cee-Lo’s helping them.

21:51: Justin is back at that Timbaland party singing ‘Ayo Technology’ with Fiddy, that must have taken some coordination. They cut away from the party in the middle of a Fiddy verse, someone kill the editor.

21:53: Shia Lebeauff (sic) presents best female. Says the new Indiana Jones movie is called Indiana Jones and the kingdom of the crystal skull. Wonder if that’s the skulls they ate monkey brains out of in Temple of doom. Fergie wins. She isn’t there. Luda is asked to accept, he doesn’t want to. Shia grabs the award – pretty unpro-fucking-fessional.

22:00: Pam Anderson introduced Ye while Tommy Lee was making cat calls. How is that guy not dead yet?! Ye is running all over the place, this musta been a bitch for the soundman. Now the got a helicopter-shot of Ye’s party. Flash to Lil Wayne rhyming with Fall Out Boy and flash to Timbaland introducing a horrible Linkin Park track. It’s more like 22:07 now but I have no idea about anything I’ve seen. PLEASE just show regular performances next year.

22:12: Dude from System of a down is singing. They cut away from it naturally.

22:18: Rihanna did a track with Fall Out Boy. Pretty crap and her voice cracked all over the place. At least it was live. Then Nelly introduces (whoa, an introduction) Alicia Keyes. She’s playing (ahem) keys and has an indian 70’s fro going. This is actually pretty cool, sounds like an old school protest song. Here come the band, tempo switches, and she rocks a fast paced version of George Michael’s Freedom. I’m really digging this, Keys might be back. She changed the “sometimes the clothes do not make the man”-line to “I gotta be my own wo-man”. Smart. Beyonce applauds. I do too, that was the best shit so far.

22:24: Common is performing at Kanye’s party, they don’t even show a whole verse from him.

22:25: Jamie Foxxx announces that Tommy Lee and Kid Rock have been fighting during the Alicia Keys performance. They probably won’t get any heat for it at all since they’re considered rock’n’rollers. Jamie Foxxx says a bunch of non-sensial shit, but doesn’t he always. The award literally goes to “Gym Class Fall Out Boy.” Nice telepromter reading. 50 performs “Up in da Club” – that says something about how hot everyone thinks his new material is.

22:31: Mary J Blige is on stage AND INTRODUCES MOTHERFUCKING DR DRE! Why didn’t anyone say he was there? Are people that dumb? Anyways Dre comes out looking insanely pumped and is apparently just there to introduce best video, I was hoping for a life-time achievement award.

22:42: Yea other stuff has been going on, but Diddy introduces what appears to be the final act, Timbaland, Timberlake and Nelly Furtado aka Palle, Polle & Ruth. Nelly is first up to bat looking pretty edge-less, then some dudes come out and rap. And this is how out of touch I am. I have no idea who they are. Timbaland does the “The Way I Are”-track. That always reminds me of the “I M Weasel and I R Baboon” cartoon. Timbaland pretends he’s playing the keyboard. As if we don’t know Danja’s pushing the buttons. Timberlake comes out dancing and everything’s a party. They end it off with that “When you see us in the club” track. They don’t do the verses, rap is tough on your memory when you’re all coked up.

22:49: This is the end of the frigging award show. It was a million times worse than the one a couple of years ago. Non of the actual bands even got to perform on the main stage, it was all dancing and lip-synching. Alicia Keys was the closest we got to something decent. I gotta say I dug Chris Brown too, but that’s about it really. And Diddy almost ruined the show yet again – not only did he introduce way too many awards, he had bought commercial time for his stinker of a perfume in every damn commercial break of the evening! I gotta say I’m confused about the media reporting that rap and ‘r’n’b’ is losing it’s stranglehold on the American teens – it seemed to be in full bloom tonight – or maybe MTV just hasn’t caught up with the times. Next year motherfuckers – have the entire show on the same stage – and have a fucking host for the show instead of a bunch of jokers trying to be funny. I might have appreciated the Foo Fighters dingy feat. Cee-Lo, System of a Down and Lemmy from Motorhead – if they had played a whole track from them! I’d like to think I’m staying up for the show next year, but…hey it probably won’t happen.

I give the show one foamfinger down, according to the foam finger rating system as most of the stuff mentioned in the title was mildly entertaining. For a slightly better show, check the 05 review!